We can go ahead and call it: 2016 was the year of the awful budtender. Even Jill Stein couldn’t buy a recount on this one. What was most impressive was the veritable cornucopia of ways they could disappoint you at any point in the process. Among the many lowlights was a budtender responding to a question I had by picking up the display sign and reading it to me like I was an impatient grammar school child sitting through “The Pet Goat.”
We have to turn this around, people, and to that end I’ve created the 10 Budtender Commandments.
1. Thou Shalt Not Be Too High
The industry is full of patients-turned-budtenders doing some of the best work because they’re doling out advice based on personal experience. With all due respect to Biggie, you should be getting high on your own supply — and due to medical necessity, some have to do that on the clock. If you’re having a particularly tough day where only a 500mg edible will beat back your symptoms, treat it like any other job and call in sick. Working at a pace where you look like a poorly fashioned animatronic version of yourself doesn’t help anyone.
2. Thou Shalt Not Ask For Tips
If it were up to me, tip jars would be banned from dispensaries, no matter how cheeky your sign is. You don’t earn a service industry wage (typically under $5), and the idea that passing me a preweighed jar constitutes some Herculean effort on your part makes me wonder who’s on the wrong side of the “karma jar.” Asking me if I need five ones instead of a five-dollar bill implies a tip should be coming, a transaction as gross as it is maddening. Do I still tip? Against every fiber of my being, yes, I do. Do I prefer a shop that pays their employees a fair wage and forgoes the spanging at the end of my purchase? Damn right I do.
3. Thou Shalt Not Touch the Buds
I’m not sure what’s worse: someone who barehands a nug or someone who barehands a nug after dousing their mitts in sanitizer. We don’t need a sterile glove for each transaction or that pretentious pair of chopsticks that you oh-so-deftly wield, but please stop picking up flower. A pair of tongs is simple, sanitary and idiot-proof. It hurts that this is a conversation we’re still having.